Three months

Today, Monday 3rd May 2021, marks three-months since mum’s passing, and I’ve had a teary day. Seriously, my lip has quivered at every mention of her name… I know my heart will always be broken but I hope I will get to a point where I can talk about her to people without crying. Don’t get me wrong, there are some days when I can – I’ll laugh or smile about a mum-related memory – but there are some days when it just feels too hard.

Mum on 2 May 2020

Three months is a long time to be without someone you love. My family and I agree that some days it feels like we lost her yesterday and then on other days, it feels like a lifetime ago. Honestly, some days it feels like she’s just popped out, or she’s working an extra long shift at work. One thing I do know is that it still feels hard living without her and that grief is odd.

Three months later there are moments of real normality in the day-to-day, but the grief is there in the background from start to finish. I can’t describe it – it’s like the elephant in the room that I’m sad to have around but I don’t want it to leave either as it’s the last thing that really connects me to my mum. I do try talking to her to tell her that I miss her but I find myself feeling a bit silly when I do it. But, I told her I’d talk to her every day so I’m sticking to my promise, even if it does make me feel ridiculous sometimes. And talking of daft, yes I am still trying to search for a robin at every chance I get.

Mum looking gorgeous in May 2019

Three months in and we haven’t done some of the tough bits yet – we haven’t sorted her clothes or emptied her drawers. Her room is still a bit of a shrine to her really – albeit a clean and tidy one. I quite like feeling like she could pop home any minute and go back to her room – she even has a pair of ironed PJs on her pillow ready, along with her glasses 😛.

We’re not ready yet to go through everything and we will do it together, hopefully on a nice bright weekend. My mum loved her clothes and on the day before she passed away she asked us what we’d do with them. Unable to answer, we asked her what she wanted us to do with them she said she didn’t want us to give everything away, She said she wanted us to wear them one day (my mum was a size 8 – talk about pressure haha!) but some clothes hold such dear memories don’t they?! I feel like I won’t be able to part with any of her wardrobe.

The Bayley Girls in Mauritius

Three months on and I’ve realised losing someone changes everything – grief alters your day-to-day behaviour and the things you used to enjoy you might not anymore. For example, I used to love baths – could soak for hours – but now I can’t think of anything worse than relaxing in a bath with my own thoughts. I also think about losing people even more than I ever did before, and I’ve become obsessed with memories and photographs, and it’s like my whole body feels tense all the time. My shoulders, my hands, my jaw – I even feel tense eating. I Googled what it means to suddenly gulp while you’re eating, even if others can’t hear it, I can feel it. Google said it could be a sign of anxiety or emotional eating – I reckon it’s probably both tbh. Oh, and don’t get me started on weight gain – that’s a whole other ball game – but as my sisters keep telling me, I need to give myself a break and stop putting pressure on myself. “Leanne, we’re going through a lot,” they both tell me when I start to fret about what the scales says, and I know deep down they’re right.

We’re going through a lot.

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